Why I quit my morning coffee

16 years ago, I decided to become a fully fledged classical guitarist. This tall order would need a daily practice committment of at least 2 hours per day . 

The only thing standing in my way was a  full-time 9 to 5 job, so the only way forward was get up ridiculously early and practise guitar before I began work at 9am.

I really struggled to wake up quickly and get the most out of this two hours, so decided coffee was the answer. Actually a 

very, very strong tripless espresso, that woke me up and put me straight into study focus.

Three days ago I stopped drinking that early morning coffee. I'd heard a podcast explaining what microbiologists had discovered about the early morning caffeine kick start does to the body. It turns out that the severe caffeine crash I'd been having every afternoon could be avoided, simply by not drinking my coffee immediately after waking up. This would  allow the body time to kick start all the necessary metabolic processes that keep us going all day. I'd been sabotaging mine for 16 years and in the last year or two, I'd put my afternoon slump down to circumstantial factors beyond my control. I was wrong. It was indeed the coffee crash - deep and dark , just like my morning brew! 

What an incredible difference in the way I feel. My afternoons are transformed by recovery of the motivation and optimism that usually started my day. Almost immediately after stopping the caffeine kick start fix, I am energised for longer , many hours longer and feel good all afternoon.  I wish I'd quit years ago, I really do. 

I still drink coffee , but not in the morning, not any more. 

I'm in a pickle

Today I find myself living as I often have , without any security and barely enough income to pay my way. 

I am living with my girlfriend of 3 years and for the first time in over 20 years I have a home and a life that Im trying hard to belong to. For the first time I have the prospect of some security, but that security depends upon my ability to adapt to the kind of life I never thought I could bear. 

For as long as I can be the man I need to be, my home is home. If this relationship doesn't work out, I will lose my home and my security. 

I've never before been concerned about my security my future or even having a home. I've just embraced a way of life that has lead me safely through decades living in other people's houses and spare rooms. 

I want to make this work, I'm trying the best I can. I like this life and this home , but this home belongs to my partner. If we split up she keeps her home and I hit the road. I don't know exactly why this frightens me, but it does. Sooner or later I suppose I will mess this up. I guess I don't believe I have what it takes to cohabit with a significant other. It just doesn't seem possible, at least not for me. 

Can I really make her happy? How much of myself has to change for that to achievable? Why do I suddenly fear going back to the way of life I lived before? Perhaps I'm worried about getting old or dying alone? Maybe I've actually found the person who I truly love and want to spend the rest of my days with? 

I probably just need to man up and accept the risks, forget the what ifs and learn to ignore all the self doubt. Noone said it was supposed to be easy.