I am living with my girlfriend of 3 years and for the first time in over 20 years I have a home and a life that Im trying hard to belong to. For the first time I have the prospect of some security, but that security depends upon my ability to adapt to the kind of life I never thought I could bear.
For as long as I can be the man I need to be, my home is home. If this relationship doesn't work out, I will lose my home and my security.
I've never before been concerned about my security my future or even having a home. I've just embraced a way of life that has lead me safely through decades living in other people's houses and spare rooms.
I want to make this work, I'm trying the best I can. I like this life and this home , but this home belongs to my partner. If we split up she keeps her home and I hit the road. I don't know exactly why this frightens me, but it does. Sooner or later I suppose I will mess this up. I guess I don't believe I have what it takes to cohabit with a significant other. It just doesn't seem possible, at least not for me.
Can I really make her happy? How much of myself has to change for that to achievable? Why do I suddenly fear going back to the way of life I lived before? Perhaps I'm worried about getting old or dying alone? Maybe I've actually found the person who I truly love and want to spend the rest of my days with?
I probably just need to man up and accept the risks, forget the what ifs and learn to ignore all the self doubt. Noone said it was supposed to be easy.
