I lost my jobs toward the end of 2020 and that was followed in January by the collapse of the other 2 pillars of my modern life - my significant other and my home. I'm not homeless because my 80 something parents have a spare bedroom. For that I am very grateful given the risk I pose to them as the most vulnerable covid group.
So I'm living with my parents again for the first time in over 30 years, hoping that one day soon I make a new path for myself, with some of the blind confidence I had the first time around. The first time I was 19 years old with a head full of dreams and innocent optimism. I didn't care where I was going , only the journey was important.
It does feel awful no longer being able to support myself and finding myself single again, but this time I have to accept more than half the blame, if not all of it.
I could easily point at covid for taking my job and blame my ex for giving up on our relationship. But that's just too convenient and much too far from the real truth.
Everything that has happened to me , I have made happen and I'm responsible.
I had a good job, I was bored of it. I had a beautiful and caring partner who loved me and would have forever, but I failed to cherish her the way I should have. I miss my ex, I loved her too but failed to express it fully. I wish I'd tried harder.
I've been trying to use my talents to make a living teaching music but that business wasn't compatible with covid. More recently I've been making wooden furniture to sell , too early to say how that will work out, so for now I'm selling off possessions to get by. My parents don't charge me rent but I do insist on buying my own food, the last vestige of the independent man I've always considered myself to be.
Woodworking might work out but I need a backup plan. For that I'll have to wait until I'm out of the dark or at least until social liberties are restored after the world is finally vaccinated. Hopefully not too much longer.
I think the toughest thing right now is battling the depression that suffocates many of my thoughts and stifles my motivation. The feelings I have of being trapped and out of control are probably more due to the covid restrictions that impact everyone.
I don't need money , I don't seek it , I don't want things and I don't want more of anything. But I do need enough money to pay rent somewhere and look after myself.
Still, I'd rather be poor than rich - I've long felt there is more of everything I need in that realm - could be why I keep sabotaging my own privileged life.
