I began looking for therapy in my mid 30s when I found myself struggling to cope in certain social situations while working as a professional musician. Despite my initial scepticism the results that followed 6 weeks of hypnotherapy were life changing. But this was only the start of a journey of self discovery and liberation that would carry on for the next 20 years.
During that time I've learned to identify my negative behaviour triggers and change personal dogma, by revisiting the most significant life events that have influenced my subconscious beliefs and conscious mind choices.
For most of my adult life I've thought myself to be fiercely independent without fully understanding why that meant so much to me. My attitude toward being controlled, underestimated or coerced, often triggered a strong, disproportionate and sometimes aggressive reaction. I'd learned to live with my inability to trust or commit fully in significant other relationships, believing that it was a mistake to rely on my partner and that ultimately, I was far better off alone.
Through hypnotherapy I've discovered 4 life experiences that were traumatic or significant enough to spawn these self defeating adult mindsets.
The following 4 life experiences were identified during my therapy sessions as being most likely responsible for these self defeating beliefs and behaviours. I'll briefly explain what happened and how I felt for each experience, having revisited them in detail under hypnosis.
Of course, these are my personal recollections and my personal truths. It all happened long ago and all I have left are my memories and interpretations of what actually happened.
1. Running for my life at 7
I was 7 years old when I was chased across a field by a boy I believed to be capable of murder. I felt terrified, like I was running for my life. I found refuge in the empty school corridoors and must have blacked out from sheer panic somewhere along them. I've never been so frightened before or since.
I woke up in a strangers house wondering where my mum was. I found out later that the school informed my mum that I'd been sent home with sun stroke. No-one ever spoke to me about it or asked me what had happened that day.
2. Afraid to die at 8
The first time I realized that I suffered from asthma was when at age 20 my girlfriend's mum saw me struggling to breathe and handed me a ventolin inhaler, assuming I'd forgotten mine. I'd never seen one before and it felt miraculous using it for the first time. But as a younger child my undiagnosed asthma condition was more severe, particularly during summer nights. Some nights I couldn't breathe at all if I lay down and would wake up wheezing and coughing. One night was really bad and even though I sat up in bed , I was unable to draw any breath. I began to panic , I felt terrified that I was about to die. The harder I tried to breathe the the worse it got. A minute or two went by as I struggled for air. I was sweating and my heart was racing - I knew I was dying. Then, all of a sudden, I wasn't frightened any more, I felt calm and at ease with my own death. My heart slowed down rapidly and my body slumped. I suddenly felt completely relaxed. Then I felt my airway open slightly and I carefully sucked in a breath of air. I survived. I'd become used to being awake all night struggling to breathe and then going to school tired the next day. I never thought to say anything to anyone.
3. The fights
After the blackout at 7, I became angry with myself, it felt like I had to prove that I wasn't scared any more. And so I went looking for fights with anyone who wanted one. I didn't bully, I just asked if anyone wanted to fight me and took on anyone who agreed to the challenge. I became good at fighting because I was small and fast and by then, had a lot of anger inside me that I could call upon easily. By the time I arrived at secondary school age 11, I must have carried a reputation for being a good fighter. This is the only thing that could explain all the boys who came looking to fight me over the next 5 years. By then I was a quiet boy and I didn't want to fight anymore, and sometimes ran away. But I couldn't get away from the hoards that would gather at the main school entrance waiting to see the fight I knew nothing about. Home time became scary, who would be waiting for me at the gate? I spent most of those years feeling more and more frightened as boys grew bigger and punches became harder.
4. First-Love Loss
Losing a first love is hard for everyone. I don't know why it hit me the way it did, but it felt like I couldn't function at all. Being awake felt like torture, there was no light, only black days and blacker nights spent curled up into a ball in physical pain sobbing until there were no tears left. I wanted to die. I contemplated suicide many times.I took sleeping pills and threw myself into a nights job. I remember feeling myself change , I can't explain how, I just knew that my brain was changing. I knew that if this happens again to me that I wouldn't recover.
The first 3 events taught me that when it came down to it, no-one was coming to rescue me and I must fend for myself. And so, I would fiercely protect my independence for the next 40 years.
The 4th event took me the closest I've ever been to taking my own life. Ever since that I've been unable to trust anyone completely and preferred to believe I wasn't cut out for cohabiting or marriage or any long term relationship. A self defense delusion that very nearly ruined everything.
The first hypnotherapy sessions in my mid 30s revealed the 'sun stroke' incident at age 7 or 8. I recalled and relived the emotions and feelings of that day. It took me 20 minutes to fully calm down as I sat up on the therapists bench trying to process what had just happened to me. I had completely forgotten about this experience and this was the first time in overv 40 years that I'd remembered and thought about it. Over the next year or so all my social anxiety symptoms and panic attacks faded away.
I returned to hypnotherapy 15 years later feeling that there was more to uncover. I became aware that I was behaving aggressively in certain situations. I still had a lot of anger inside and I knew there had to be a root cause somewhere in childhood. I had another 10 therapy sessions under regressive hypnosis that helped me to recount, relive and process many of the fight traumas I had at secondary school, some I'd completely forgotten and others that were familiar.
Today I am one year past the last therapy sessions and feeling a lot calmer and a lot more in control of who I want to be. I still have to fight with my fears and deamons every day, just like everyone does, but now I am strong enough to be in charge of myself, and I've learned to scrutinize all my concious desires and choices to make sure that they are not defensive and self defeating.
Making the decision to find mental health therapy was a great decision for me. For years I'd convinced myself that the way I felt and behaved was just something I'd have to learn to live with.
Looking back at how far I've come makes me wish I'd started therapy many years sooner.
